Rules of engagement

Audrey and I were walking up the stairs when she spotted the framed print of me and my husband on our wedding day.

“Look Mommy, that’s you and Daddy on the beach.”

“Yes, that picture was taken on the day that we got married.”

Her face dropped and her eyes filled with tears “I want to get married.”

“Audrey, you will, don’t worry. One day, you will meet someone that you really love and you will get married.”

She brightened and immediately responded “Opa”.

“You want to marry Opa?”

“Yes, I do.”

They say the girls marry men that are like their fathers, but in Audrey’s case, I think she might marry someone that is like her grandfather.

History repeats itself

I was cutting up a head of cauliflower before dinner and both girls were at my feet. I gave them both a piece and shooed them away so that I could finish making dinner. A few minutes later, Audrey was tattling “Mommy, Abby made a mess.” I walked out of the kitchen and easily found my way to the living room by following the path of chewed cauliflower littering the floor. I sighed and painstakingly picked up the tiny pieces.

I returned to my task of breaking up the cauliflower when both girls reappeared. I handed Audrey a piece and she frolicked away happily. I narrowed my eyes at Abby as she quietly asked “More?” I told her that this was the same thing she had just spit out on the floor. She looked at me pleadingly and tapped her little fingers together while she said “More?” She can verbally ask for most of the things she needs now, but she knows that baby signs are a weakness of mine. “Fine” I grumbled and handed her another piece of cauliflower.

She ran into the living room, and as anticipated, chewed up the cauliflower and spit it all over the floor. I cleaned it up again and went back to finishing dinner preparations. I added a few cauliflower florets to Abby’s plate because parenting guides all state that you may have to offer foods as many as ten times before a child will eat them. I also reflected on the fact that insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Yes, parenting is insanity.

Stop and smell the roses

Tonight, I was changing Abby’s dirty diaper when she suddenly decided that she no longer wanted to be changed. I was completely unprepared for this mood swing and was therefore not even holding her legs. She began kicking and flailing in a way that literally caused the sh** to hit the fan. Each move that she made caused the disaster to spread. First it was on her heel, then she kicked me and it was on my hand (gross). She continued kicking and it spread from my hand to her leg. Then she rolled and it spread to the carpet.

Finally, I picked her up and tried to clean her while she bucked against me in the air. I set her down once she was clean and didn’t even bother putting a diaper on her. Things really couldn’t get worse, could they? The whole house reeked, or was it me? I went to the kitchen to wash my hands and decided to wash my arms and completely discard my shirt, as well. I was searching for the dishtowel, which had been used as a blanket for a sleepy stuffed animal earlier, when I spotted Abby crouching in the corner. Of course, she was peeing on the floor. Why not?!? When she finished peeing, she proceeded to do a little jig in the puddle while giggling maniacally.

There was so much disaster around me that I wasn’t even sure what to do first. I picked Abby up and brought her into the kitchen. I sprayed her off in the sink and put a diaper on her, because she wasn’t going to fool me twice. I grabbed some stain remover and went to attack the carpet. I smelled something terrible and no amount of scrubbing was improving the situation.

I was finally satisfied that all remnants of the previous thirty minutes had been eradicated, but something still smelled awful. I checked Abby’s diaper again and asked Audrey if she had farted while I walked around sniffing the air. I went into the bathroom to scrub my hands again and saw my reflection in the mirror. There, on the side of my nose and a small portion of my cheek, was a brown smear. The mystery was solved with the realization that I am a brown-noser.

Doctor's Orders

The only way that Audrey travels is by running, so it is no surprise that she is pretty easy to lose in public places. The last time that she ran from me, I disciplined her and said “If you run away in public, someone might steal you.”

She responded with “And then they would take me to the doctor.” It is amazing to me that the worst consequence in Audrey’s little world is a doctor visit. I love her innocence and hope to protect her from harm for as long as possible, or at least until her next well-check.