Monday, November 7, 2011

Stop and smell the roses

Tonight, I was changing Abby’s dirty diaper when she suddenly decided that she no longer wanted to be changed. I was completely unprepared for this mood swing and was therefore not even holding her legs. She began kicking and flailing in a way that literally caused the sh** to hit the fan. Each move that she made caused the disaster to spread. First it was on her heel, then she kicked me and it was on my hand (gross). She continued kicking and it spread from my hand to her leg. Then she rolled and it spread to the carpet.

Finally, I picked her up and tried to clean her while she bucked against me in the air. I set her down once she was clean and didn’t even bother putting a diaper on her. Things really couldn’t get worse, could they? The whole house reeked, or was it me? I went to the kitchen to wash my hands and decided to wash my arms and completely discard my shirt, as well. I was searching for the dishtowel, which had been used as a blanket for a sleepy stuffed animal earlier, when I spotted Abby crouching in the corner. Of course, she was peeing on the floor. Why not?!? When she finished peeing, she proceeded to do a little jig in the puddle while giggling maniacally.

There was so much disaster around me that I wasn’t even sure what to do first. I picked Abby up and brought her into the kitchen. I sprayed her off in the sink and put a diaper on her, because she wasn’t going to fool me twice. I grabbed some stain remover and went to attack the carpet. I smelled something terrible and no amount of scrubbing was improving the situation.

I was finally satisfied that all remnants of the previous thirty minutes had been eradicated, but something still smelled awful. I checked Abby’s diaper again and asked Audrey if she had farted while I walked around sniffing the air. I went into the bathroom to scrub my hands again and saw my reflection in the mirror. There, on the side of my nose and a small portion of my cheek, was a brown smear. The mystery was solved with the realization that I am a brown-noser.

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