Princess Diary

The Disney Princess franchise has created a monster in the minds of young girls worldwide. With two daughters, I know that there will be years of princess obsession filled with toys, apparel, dolls and home décor in pink glitter. In the movies that shot these princesses to marketing gold, the heroines are often savvy, resourceful and funny. The lessons in these movies are simplistic, morally-sound and well-stated, but I hope that my daughters are able to read between the lines.

Snow White: Don’t ever live with seven men. This should not require any more explanation. Just don’t do it.

Cinderella: If the shoe fits, wear it. This is not an idiom about acceptance. It means exactly what it says. Buy all shoes that are your size. One woman can never have enough shoes.

Beauty and the Beast: Beauty is within, but Furries are not beautiful.

The Little Mermaid: Ariel had it all wrong. Don’t ever change yourself for a man, prince or otherwise.

Tangled: Do not let your hair enslave you. Love your naturally curly hair (As a lifetime straightener, this is a “Do as I say, not as I do” moment).

What’s in a name?

For 29 years my name was Amanda and though is it a common name, I had grown quite accustomed to it. I realized that I would have to say goodbye to my given name the minute that my daughter was born. The doctor who had delivered my precious baby placed her in my arms and said “Congratulations, Mom”.

From that moment forward everyone that was associated with my children in any way called me by this new strange forename. I had expected my children to call me “Mom”, but I had not expected to hear it from pediatricians, gym class teachers, hair stylists, or my husband. My entire identity is now irrevocably intertwined with this little person, but do you really have to take my name, too?

I had been steadfastly working my way through the steps to “quit” my old name when something strange happened to me. I was pushing my girls through the grocery store in a cart while browsing the aisles and I was doing my best to ignore all distractions. A tiny voice kept repeating itself with an increase in volume and insistence that only occurs when being ignored “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!” I broke out of my self-induced trance and replied loudly “YES, honey!”, but when I snapped my head around to look at my children, all was silent.

There was a little girl beside us in the aisle tugging on her mother’s pants who was the source of the repetitive chatter, who had also become silent and was now staring at me. I turned crimson and shared a feeble smile with her mother. I have now successfully beaten my addiction and take solace in the fact that there are many others with the same name, but who are completely different people.

-The Artist Formerly Known As Amanda

Succubus

To say that having a newborn is a challenge is a huge understatement. It should be easy considering that all they do is eat, sleep and poop. Unfortunately, this cycle repeats all hours of the day and all hours of the night until they are no longer infants. My babies would nurse and promptly spit-up all over themselves. So, I would need to change their clothes with them screaming bloody murder the whole time. Then, they would only sleep in my arms with my husband running a blow-dryer nearby.

Eventually, they would fall into a deep enough sleep to be laid down and then they would poop, necessitating a diaper change and another outfit change. More screaming would ensue. By this time, they would be hungry again and the cycle would start anew. Delirium set in after many nights of this strange infant behavior and I always felt drained. This makes sense because newborns suck the life out of you, ounce by ounce, through your nipples.

Everything has a price

The 18 Month Edition of “Toddler Tips” published by our pediatrician states “Mealtime should be a happy time for the family”.

Two overpriced kid’s meals that took thirty minutes to arrive even though you ordered them as soon as you sat down…$20

Dry cleaning your favorite pair of linen pants that were soiled while changing a diaper on your lap in a bathroom stall because the “family friendly” restaurant had no changing table…$7

Two overpriced ice cream sundaes that were ordered to keep the kids entertained after they threw their entire meals on the floor…$14

Getting your hair trimmed because you singed the ends in the “mood-lighting” candle while you were leaning across the table to wipe your child’s hands before she smeared hot fudge in her hair…$40

Four extra adult beverages that were chugged for survival between picking up dropped silverware, intervening in your children’s butter knife fight, and aimlessly wandering the restaurant to prevent a major meltdown…$20

Running from your table that is littered with sugar packets, straw wrappers, spilled drinks and overturned salt and pepper shakers, while holding a screaming child in one arm and to-go boxes filled with your uneaten meals in the other after enjoying a “happy family mealtime"...Priceless

Fingernails on a chalkboard

There are many terrible words in the English language that can construct many terrible sentences. Most days, I love hearing everything that my toddler has to say. If I grow tired of hearing her constant chatter, then I simply send her to Oma’s house for a night to be reminded of how oppressive the silence is without her. So, knowing how much I love hearing her little voice, it is amazing that she is capable of producing the eight worst words ever. “Mommy, I did not take a nap today.”

Some Assembly Required

Being a parent gives you great confidence in your abilities, until you bring home a box that should be filled with joy the night before a major holiday. The exterior of the box depicts smiling parents and smiling children playing with what you think is the perfect toy. There is also a picture of a screwdriver with a tiny caption reading “Adult Assembly Required”. You scoff at the idea of your child using a screwdriver to assemble their own gift and think “What am I, an idiot?”

So, you open the box. This process takes an hour and a box-cutter because it is glued shut on all sides with mortar. Once opened, the box contains 3,000 pieces of Styrofoam which are stuck to every single piece inside the box. You painstakingly remove all of the pieces and enough Styrofoam to fill a landfill. When you have all of the pieces laid out, you are confused because some are labeled with numbers, some are labeled with letters, some are labeled with double letters and they fill up your entire living room.

You take a deep breath and begin looking for the instructions. While looking for the instructions, you find a plastic bag that is filled with nuts, bolts, screws, dowels, and what you think might be some wall anchors (this doesn’t hang on the wall, does it?). Finally, with a sigh of relief, you find the instructions.

The instructions are written in Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Sanskrit, and possibly Wingdings. You see no English anywhere in the manual, but that’s okay because there are pictures too. There are pictures of some tools, so you run to the garage and grab your toolbox. You start with step 1A and realize that there are also steps 1B-1Z before step 2 commences. You slowly work your way through each step after running back out to the garage to get things you never thought you would need, like a chainsaw and a flamethrower. You also visit many different websites and call many different family members trying to convert measurements (What is a cubit?!?) and solve calculus problems. As you prepare to begin the final step, you send a text to the guy that you graduated with who is now an engineer. Maybe he can help.

You look at the clock when you finally complete your last required gymnastics move to put the last dowel in place, and you realize that the project has taken you seven hours. You stretch, pat yourself on the back and admire your creation. There is Mr. Potato Head smiling back at you.

Words must be weighed, not counted

When your child is little, you cannot wait for them to start talking. Once they start talking, you wish that they would stop and please be quiet for just one minute. Abby’s first word was “Mama”, her second word was “Dada” and her third word was “Uh-Oh”. These three words complete her exhaustive vocabulary. As far as I’m concerned, if she never says anything else, she will be fully equipped for all adult conversations. Most people don’t really care about the other person’s response in a conversation, they just care that they are heard. A few examples:

-“I lost my job today”

-“Uh-Oh”

-I’m pregnant”

-“Uh-Oh”

-“I’m running for President”

-“Uh-Oh”

-“How do you think this outfit looks on me?”

-“Uh-Oh”

So, Abby has already learned the tricks of the trade. With a little inflection, her small vocabulary speaks volumes. She is growing and learning new things every day, so I know it won’t be long before she adds more words to her arsenal. Uh-Oh.