It's a bird...It's a plane...It's just my kids

My children have superpowers.

Sonic scream: The only way that my toddler communicates lately is by screaming like a banshee. I now know that elderly individuals suffer from hearing loss because they were subjected to the sonic scream at some point in time.

Wall-crawling: This is the only explanation for how Abby can be suddenly standing on the dining room table when we have removed all other furniture from the entire house. This is also the explanation for our “They must be giants” decoration scheme, where all lower drawers and shelves are left completely empty.

Liquification: This superpower is exhibited mid-tantrum when my kids appear to somehow lose all of their bones and turn into a liquid. It is very effective against adults who are trying to capture them.

Size-shifting: Both of my children exhibit this ability to increase their size whenever they lay in our bed. They somehow manage to make what used to be a large bed feel like a clown car, but without all of the humor.

Memory manipulation: An especially sweet moment with my girls will completely erase all memories of the sonic screaming and liquification earlier in the day.

Luckily, all people with superpowers have some sort of Achilles’ heel to level the playing field between them and less fortunate mortals. I have located the kryptonite for my children without even trying. Simply uttering the phrase “Let me help you” causes my children to run away screaming, as if they have been physically injured.