I am always late…for everything…always. I feel that I give myself plenty of time to prepare, yet I am consistently the last one to arrive. I needed to leave for work at 8:00 AM this morning, so I set my alarm for 6:00 AM. Two hours should have been plenty of time, right?
I attack the snooze button on the alarm and groggily roll over to see my sweet daughter, Audrey, staring into my eyes. I have no idea what she is doing in my bed or how she got there. “Good morning, Mommy. I want to put on my bunny costume.” That old Halloween costume is the bane of my existence. Audrey has grown a lot since last October, causing the bunny costume to fit like a bunny swimsuit, bunny flippers, and a bunny ear yarmulke. It’s highly constrictive nature doesn’t dissuade Audrey from wearing it, even though it is impossible to put on and remove.
I didn’t think that I would be able to get out of this one because she had made the exact same request as she was going to bed last night. I had told her that if she went to sleep, she could put it on in the morning, and then I had made my great escape. Suddenly, I had a great idea “Daddy will help you put it on. Mommy has to go get in the shower and get ready for work.” This was apparently not part of Audrey’s plan “NOOOOO MOMMY!!!! YOU DO IT!!!”
The bunny child and I come back downstairs and I attempt to sneak into the bathroom to shower. Audrey follows me. Abby has woken up and is very excited to see a real, live bunny swimsuit so she follows Audrey. Once in the bathroom, Audrey decides that she wants to see the soap. I explain to her that you can only have the soap when you are in the shower because I don’t want her just roaming around the house with soap.
She’d probably eat it or feed it to her sister. Then they’d be the weird kids that eat soap instead of the weird kids that eat glue. Audrey outwits me by telling me that she needs to take her bunny costume off so that she can get in the shower and hold the soap.
I am trying to shave my legs while balancing myself over Audrey who is kneeling in the bottom of the bathtub happily holding the soap. I have given Abby my makeup bag for entertainment to keep her from joining us in the tub. Suddenly, Audrey stands up and shouts “Mommy! I have to pee-pee!” I have an inner debate about whether or not to just tell her to pee in the tub. All the cool kids do it. I remind myself that when teaching any new skill, consistency is of the utmost importance. If I allowed her to pee in the tub, she’d likely get confused and start peeing in other places with water, like pools (What? That’s not allowed?). I lift Audrey out of the tub and quickly towel us both off.
I glance at Abby who is happily zipping, unzipping and rearranging the contents of my makeup bag. Audrey climbs up on the toilet, does her business, and we both get back in the shower. I finally finish my shower and try to convince Audrey to give me the soap. It is more difficult than getting a prisoner to drop the soap in the shower. I wrestle it away from her and pull the shower curtain back so that we can exit the shower.
The first thing that I see when I pull the shower curtain back is Abby looking like a criminal who has been tarred and feathered. There is an unidentified substance all over her body which I assume is sticky because there are tiny pieces of toilet paper stuck all over her. This unidentified substance is also on the walls and floor. I scream for Adam and he comes and retrieves Audrey.
This is definitely a situation requiring man-on-man coverage. After further inspection and the discovery of an empty tube of lip-gloss, the unidentified substance has been identified. I get back in the shower with Abby and manage to get her cleaned off. She’s still a little sticky, but that’s pretty normal. I yell for Adam again and he whisks her away.
I try to clean the bathroom walls, which look like they have been attacked by an army of snails, to no avail. I give up and decide that the only solution is repainting. I sigh and look in the mirror and realize that I am still dripping from my second shower of the morning. I begin blow-drying my hair and I swear that I hear someone yelling from the other room.
I switch my blow-dryer off and distinctly hear Adam yelling “Help!” I run out to the living room and see him in the process of changing Abby’s dirty diaper on the floor. She has put her hands in it and is trying to smear it on whatever she can reach. Audrey has taken advantage of the chaotic situation, stolen the dirty diaper and is running around the living room with it. I tackle her and take the diaper away while Adam focuses on cleaning the disaster that is Abby. If I had more time, I probably would have tossed her back in the shower.
“Okay, no more kid interruptions. I’m really serious now.” I finish blow-drying, put on my make-up, get dressed and grab breakfast for the road. I give everyone hugs and kisses and jog to the car.
I drive away with a little honk for the girls…right on time.